How you fight with your spouse can predict the fate of your marriage

WASHINGTON - Always thought newlyweds who yell or call each other names are bound to get divorced in the near future? Well, apart from this there are other fighting patterns that can also lead couples to legally part ways, says a new University of Michigan study.

A particularly toxic pattern is when one spouse deals with conflict constructively, by calmly discussing the situation, listening to their partner’s point of view, or trying hard to find out what their partner is feeling, for example-and the other spouse withdraws.

“This pattern seems to have a damaging effect on the longevity of marriage. Spouses who deal with conflicts constructively may view their partners’ habit of withdrawing as a lack of investment in the relationship rather than an attempt to cool down,” said U-M researcher Kira Birditt, first author of a study on marital conflict behaviours and implications for divorce.
Couples in which both spouses used constructive strategies had lower divorce rates, Birditt found.

The data are from the Early Years of Marriage Study, supported by funding from the National Institute of Aging and the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development.

It is one of the largest and longest research projects to look at patterns of marital conflict, with 373 couples interviewed four times over a 16-year period, starting the first year of their marriages.

The study is also one of just a few to include a high enough proportion of Black couples that researchers can assess racial differences in conflict strategies and their effects.

The researchers looked at how both individual behaviours and patterns of behaviour between partners affected the likelihood of divorce.

They also examined whether behaviour changed over time, and whether there were racial or gender differences in behaviour patterns and outcomes.

Astonishingly, the researchers found that 29 percent of husband and 21 percent of wives reported having no conflicts at all in the first year of their marriage-1986.

Nonetheless, 46 percent of the couples had divorced by Year 16 of the study-2002.

Interestingly, whether or not couples reported any conflict during the first year of marriage did not affect whether they had divorced by the last year studied.

Overall, husbands reported using more constructive behaviours and fewer destructive behaviours than wives.

But over time, wives were less likely to use destructive strategies or withdraw, while husbands’ use of these behaviours stayed the same through the years.

“The problems that cause wives to withdraw or use destructive behaviors early in a marriage may be resolved over time. Or, relationships and the quality of relationships may be more central to women’s lives than they are to men. As a result, over the course of marriage, women may be more likely to recognize that withdrawing from conflict or using destructive strategies is neither effective nor beneficial to the overall well-being and stability of their marriages,” said Birditt.

Birditt and colleagues found that black American couples were more likely to withdraw during conflicts than were white couples, although black couples were less likely to withdraw from conflict over time.

The study has been published in the current issue of the Journal of Marriage and Family. (ANI)